There are certain traits almost everyone lists when they speak of the type of partner they would like to date and marry. Characteristics like honesty, kindness, and ambition seem pretty standard, but they are never guaranteed. With ambition being a key driver in creating the life of your dreams – where you achieve your goals through hard work and sheer determination – having a partner who lacks ambition can cause problems. “Ambition, like other characteristics, isn’t a quality everyone has. It’s not even a quality that everyone desires, but it’s been given a lot of importance in modern society. When there is an imbalance, it can cause resentment in the partner who feels that the other’s lack of ambition is slowing her down,” says life coach Caroline Da Costa.
Traditionally, men are expected to be ambitious because of their traditional role as the main provider. Reality doesn’t always match this expectation. “Not all men are ambitious and neither are all women, but there is a difference in how society views lack of ambition in the different sexes,” says Khanyisile Xaba, a KwaZulu-Natal-based counselor. “When women are not ambitious, there’s an expectation that they can at least find themselves an ambitious guy who’ll take care of them. Men, however, are viewed as useless and a burden because theirs is meant to be a different role,” Xaba adds.
MANAGING YOUR EXPECTATIONS
The reasons that some men lack drive are many and they are person-specific. It can be a personality trait, fear of failure, depression or just not having the drive to chase goals. “If you are
someone who values ambition, then it’s a trait you need to look out for from the onset,” Xaba warns. “It’s unlikely that someone will, all of a sudden, start to be ambitious down the line, so you need to investigate for yourself. Have you met someone going through a rough patch? That can be fixed, but if the issue is deeper than that, chances are that it won’t improve,” she adds.
When a woman is ambitious, it isn’t unheard of that the man starts to feel threatened. This can often lead to abusive ways to try to “put the woman in her place”. “When someone feels insecure about your ambition as a woman, it’s likely that he will act out in ways that try to put you down. That can range from trying to shut you up, telling you that your dreams are making you a bad wife and mother, and other tactics that aim to break down your self-esteem. This is usually easy to pick up in men who aren’t driven, but the truth is that even ambitious guys can act out in the same ways. The root of the issue is that he feels your ambition is a threat,” Xaba explains.
When attempts are made to kill your go-getter spirit, it’s important to decide whether that’s someone you want to partner up with for the long term, because sabotaging of your plans is inevitable.
BREWING RESENTMENT
If for whatever reason, you’re dating an unambitious person, there are two common ways the situation could unfold. One is accepting that your partner has other qualities that you value and that ambition isn’t going to be one of them
“This acceptance allows you to move forward realistically. Your expectations can then be in other departments. I’ve found that this only works if the unambitious partner is secure within himself and doesn’t try to deter you from your path. It’s also important to remember there are other ways your partner can bring something to the table – that will allow the relationship to have some balance,” Xaba says.
The other route is that you’ll get resentful of having to pull along someone who doesn’t match your drive. “If you feel you have to do everything in your relationship, there is no way you can escape resentment. The same goes if you feel your man is slowing you down because he never strives for more. When you start feeling that way, it’s an option to consider ending the relationship,” Xaba adds.
While ambition is a key ingredient in a relationship, it’s important to not lose sight that it isn’t the only quality you require. “I always warn women not to just date men because they appear ambitious. On its own, ambition can still leave you feeling lonely and unloved. Make sure you check for other qualities that help you create the love life you desire.”
There is also a difference between lacking ambition and being a taker. “Someone lacking ambition doesn’t mean you must provide for and take care of them while they do nothing. That isn’t lacking ambition – it’s being a taker and that’s a whole other conversation,” Xaba says.
Da Costa says if your partner feels emasculated by your ambition, there’s very little you can do to salvage the situation. “Making yourself smaller to try to please a man who feels emasculated, is a recipe for tears and pain. If your ambition is a threat to your man, he’s not the man you need to be with. As women grow into their careers and dreams, they have to do the hard work of weeding out potential partners who want to kill their dreams. A man who wants complete control over you will kill your ambition and confidence over time – and that’s too high a price to pay for love,” she adds.
A CHANCE FOR LOVE
It’s possible for there to be a happily-ever-after even when your man is unambitious. “If you’re able, to be honest about the situation and tackle it together as a couple, then there’s hope. There are a lot of mismatches in personalities among couples. If he supports your ambitions, pulls his weight in the relationship and finds other ways to contribute to the unit, then you can still have a healthy and happy relationship. There’s no one-size-fits-all – the important work is, to be honest about what you can and can’t live with,” Xaba concludes.
As the saying goes, sex starts in the mind, so when you’re in the right headspace, your current body – warts, jiggles and all – will reward you with ecstatic sex. You do know that even supermodels who grace catwalks wish they could change a few things to perfect their bodies? So “ordinary” women like us are not alone in dealing with our “imperfections.”
But, if the thought of stripping in front of your partner for lovemaking still makes you break out in a cold sweat, relax. Help is at hand to overcome those insecurities and help you find your happy place between the sheets.
BE CONFIDENT
Every woman, no matter her body shape or size, is capable of enjoying consensual sex with her partner, says Dr. Nosipho Mazizi, a physician in private practice in Tembisa, Gauteng. Sex, she explains, is the greatest therapy between two lovers. It reduces stress and strengthens your bond through the release of oxytocin – the love hormone. When a woman’s mind is preoccupied with how her partner views her body and if she’s good enough, she won’t enjoy intimacy, Mazizi adds.
“Love, acceptance and great sex go together. When your partner is in love with you, they accept you the way you are and strive to ensure you both have a great sex life. But, it starts with you – the woman – to love and fully accept yourself and your body,” Mazizi says. While men have their own hang-ups too, especially about their penis size, their confidence helps them take the lead during sex, she adds.
Being self-conscious during sex is not just a figment of women’s imagination. It stems from psychological, physiological and societal norms that are deeply embedded and control how we perceive sex, Mazizi explains.
“Women are socialized to give their bodies to please men without any expectations in return. Girls are taught to remain virgins and save themselves for marriage. When a young woman has a baby naturally, there’s a misconception that her vagina becomes too big to accommodate her partner’s manhood. If you start having sex early and gain experience, you’re called names, whereas the same doesn’t apply to men. All these messages hinder women from embracing their sexuality. Sadly, an orgasm doesn’t happen by magic, it takes two adults to perform in sync,” Mazizi adds.
TAKE CONTROL
There’s a need for comprehensive sex education before we can level the playfields between women and men, says Dr. Tlaleng ‘T’ Mofokeng. As the lead consultant at Nalane Associates for Reproductive Justice and member of the Global Advisory Board for Sexual Health and Wellbeing, she says the way forward is for women to take charge of their sexual satisfaction by exploring and understanding their own bodies, the same way men do.
“Women were warned against masturbation. As a result, they don’t know their own bodies and yet expect a man to know how to satisfy them in bed. No one owes you good sex and an orgasm. As an adult, it’s your responsibility to take ownership, negotiate and lead the sex how you want it,” she states. Mofokeng adds that a lot of women are passive participants who only engage in sexual activity when their partner has an erection and focus their energy on pleasuring them. This, she says, results in inhibitions.
“Women worry if they are skinny enough if their vaginas are too dry, wet or smelly. Vaginas have been commodified for the satisfaction of men – it’s too much,” she laments. Her advice is for you to take your power back by fully embracing your body and equip yourself with information.
“Read up on different medical conditions you may have, the side effects of the medication you’re on and its impact on your sex life. Don’t be passive. Read and ask your doctor for advice. If your vagina’s dry due to ovulation, get a lubricant. When you know how your body works, what your vagina looks like and how you like intercourse, you’ll be confident and able to guide your partner to fully satisfy you in bed,” Mofokeng adds.
COMMUNICATE
Communication — verbal and non-verbal — is important in a sexual relationship. Faking enjoyment is unnecessary.
“Faking an orgasm is like scoring an own goal. How’s your partner supposed to know how you like it when you fake it? Share your sexual needs openly and guide him to do what you like, exactly how you like it,” Mofokeng says.
“Some guys don’t even bother with foreplay and rush to penetration –whether you’re ready or not. Dry sex is completely unacceptable and painful – it’s a sign you’re not ready for intercourse,” Mazizi explains.
5 SIGNS THAT YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIM BEHIND
When his lack of ambition starts to border on being abusive, it’s time to consider ending things. Here are some reasons to consider:
1. When he no longer brings anything to the table when it comes to your relationship.
2. When he expects you to pay the bills and do all the work because you are the ambitious one.
3. When he becomes resentful of your success and finds a way to sabotage your success.
4. When he starts to erode your self-esteem by being abusive.
5. When his lack of ambition makes him depressed and he won’t seek professional help.
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